ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
