i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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