i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He passed out mid-signature
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
