Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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