If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You're a waste of cheezeits
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
