Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
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