my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
