i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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