someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
