We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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