Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
