Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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