It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
