I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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