If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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