Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
