i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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