He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
