need another drink. this is the easiest way
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
