I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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