Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
