Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
