Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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