I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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