i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize