so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
