Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
