and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Randomize
