somebody snuck up and got me drunk
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
