The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
