I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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