it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
