some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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