Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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