tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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