she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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