meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
