respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize