Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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