Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
