my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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