stop calling my apartment porn island.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
