last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
no you cant smoke seaweed
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
