I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize