singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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