I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
