How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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