You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize