Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize