we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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