dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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