I will die if light touches me.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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