well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize