I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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