I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
