Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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