im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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