How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize