I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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