whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
