Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
