My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I should be sponsored by Trojan
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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