I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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